Submitted for the April 2024 prompt: Meta-Sci-Fi

Juan,

 

Thank you for sending us your “autobiography.” Unfortunately, it’s not what we had in mind. I can’t tell if you misunderstood our intention to publish your life story or if you’re having fun at our expense.

 

Pigeon Books is a serious nonfiction publishing house. Your accomplishments at Fountain Pharmaceuticals are as impactful to the business world as anything done by Buffett, Jobs, or Musk. Our readers expect authentic biographies with business insights and life stories. Not implausible science fiction with a side of historical pettiness.

 

We will not be publishing your autobiography. If you reconsider an honest approach, we would be happy to re-engage.

 

Sincerely,

 

Thomas Pizarro

Editor-in-Chief

Pigeon Books

 

PS: I’ve attached a few particularly problematic snippets with my notes. In case you wish to resubmit.

 

* * *

 

Attachment: Editor’s Notes By Chapter

 

Chapter 1

 

If you’re ever offered a choice of any superpower, take it from me: don’t choose immortality. While PonceVita can cure damn near anything, it can't fix a tarnished reputation. I’ve tried everything to cope — booze, drugs, whores. Nothing works.

 

This book aims to correct a historical injustice. And reveal the real me.

 

You may think you know me. Juan DeLeon. Founder and CEO of Fountain Pharmaceuticals. Creator of PonceVita — the drug that cures cancer, heart disease, low T, and herpes.

 

But I’ve gone by many names since my birth in Santervás de Campos, Spain, in 1474. My life then was a hell of a lot more thrilling than board meetings and earnings calls.

 

Explorer, First Governor of Puerto Rico, and pursuer of the Fountain of Youth. Which everyone assumed was some silly, failed obsession.

 

Yes. I am the one and only Juan Ponce de León. And I found that fucking fountain.

 

You’re a 500-year-old conquistador? Really? Even as a joke, this would be terrible for your reputation.

 

Chapter 3

 

The science behind PonceVita is well-documented and peer-reviewed. It tackles the aging process — DNA damage, oxidative stress, protein glycation, and telomere shortening — effectively resetting your body to its vibrant, eighteen-year-old self.

 

So, how did Fountain Pharmaceuticals solve what no other scientist could?

 

Simple. We didn’t. We pulled it out of a natural spring 50 miles north of Orlando. Which I discovered in 1516. We built our research headquarters right on top of it.

 

We’re supposed to believe the greatest medical discovery in history is Florida swamp water?

 

Chapter 6

 

Columbus was a dumb sack of shit. He was the only person in 1492 who thought he landed in India. Every Spanish navigator knew the world was twice as large as Chris estimated. The dude had no concept of geometry.

 

I take some inadvertent blame here. When he called the natives “Indians,” we laughed. Hard. We knew he didn't land in India! We played along to mock him, not encourage him. But it stuck, and a racial slur was born.

 

Granted, Columbus’s reputation has taken a hit over the years. But this reads like you’re playing racism for laughs. Your reputation is your business, but we can’t touch this.

 

Chapter 11

 

Think Chris was bad? Let’s talk about his son, Diego. The original nepo baby. He stole Puerto Rico right out from under me. His daddy called the queen to gift him the Governorship. I’m not saying I regularly update his Wikipedia page to tell everyone what a worthless prick he is, but I’m not saying I don’t, either.

 

You think you’re in a place to say anyone “stole” land?

 

* * *

 

Tommy,

 

A simple ‘no’ would have sufficed, asshole. Your response shows how small-minded your publishing house has become. At least when I was rejected in 1948, your predecessor was polite about it.

 

Self-publishing, here I come. I’ll send you a signed copy.

 

Love,

 

Juan Ponce de León

 

PS: I knew your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather Francisco. Grade-A prick. Massacred the Incas. He’d be proud of you.

 

* * *

 

Amazon #1 Best-Seller! The Autobiography of Ponce de León

 

1.3 ⭐☆☆☆☆ 87,390 ratings

 

⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ Who knew Juan DeLeon could write good sci-fi?!?!

Loved it. Fun and inventive. A bit raw, but great imagination. Not sure why it’s in the Autobiography section instead of Science Fiction & Fantasy, though.

 

⭐☆☆☆☆ So bad I can't stop reading

Fake garbage but an entertaining hate-read. He doesn't talk like he's 500 years old. Zero Spanish. Laziest ghostwritten hoax I've ever seen.

 

⭐☆☆☆☆ If true, Juan DeLeon should be investigated

Didn't the real Ponce de León subjugate the indigenous peoples of Florida and the Caribbean? There’s no statute of limitations on that, right? Only a lunatic would publish this. Selling my Fountain Pharmaceuticals stock ASAP.