It's the longest signing line ever — like James Patterson worthy. I should take it as a compliment, and I would have two weeks ago in Cleveland. But I'm tired from traveling at this point, and from answering the same questions over and over. And from wearing this fake smile all the time.

 

This book tour was mandated by the publisher — my end of the marketing campaign — and I was willing because I'm a greedy, money-hungry egotist… like every TV host turned author. But it's not my cup of tea. I'm great with people when there's a camera and a thousand miles of cable between us.

 

I'm enormously relieved and a little thrilled to see the end of the line approaching. I'm thrilled because the last person in the queue is a knockout blonde who wouldn't stand out more in this nerdfest if she sprouted wings. Her tight, black dress causes me to misspell the name of the man in front of her.

 

"Sorry," I apologize, half to the man and half to the bookstore employee who hurries to retrieve him a replacement copy.

 

I'm embarrassed, but it passes quickly as she steps up to the table opposite me.

 

"I know you must hear this all the time," she says, "but I'm a huge fan. I mean, this is so exciting for me."

 

I smile stupidly and try to say something polite and appropriate. What comes out instead is, "No shit?"

 

She laughs like she thinks I was trying to be funny. Which is funny.

 

"Can you make it out to Elain, please? E-L-A-I-N." she says, handing me her book.

 

"Yeah, of course. It's my pleasure. So… are you a fan of the show as well? You know, they're just about to air the premiere of season—"

 

"Do you have plans after this?" she interrupts.

 

It takes a few seconds for my brain to process her words. When my cognitive gears finally reengage, I blurt, "Absolutely!"

 

"Oh, that's a shame. I was kind of hoping you and I could—"

 

"No! I mean, no, I'm not doing anything. But I would absolutely love to do something with you… if that's what you're asking. Is that what you're asking?"

 

The bookstore employee, who's five-foot-nothing, acne-stricken, and been shaving for a week, looks at me with sympathy. Awesome.

 

Elain just laughs again and says, "Come on, pack up your shit. We're getting out of here."

 

* * *

 

We're half an hour outside the city when I start to feel nervous. I didn't think twice when Elain suggested we go to her place rather than the bar in my hotel. I'd have said yes if she'd invited me to the laundromat.

 

I've been following her Jeep in my Porsche, worrying about tailing her too close or too far back. I don't want her to think I'm scared to lose her, but I'm scared to lose her. What can I say? I've got issues.

 

Her place turns out to be a cabin five miles down a dirt road. As I step out of the car, I consider the lack of neighbors, and my anxiety rachets up. I flash back to the only party I was ever invited to in high school. They told me it was a costume party. It wasn't.

 

She beckons me to follow her inside, then drops her book on the kitchen counter, points out the liquor cabinet, and disappears through a bedroom door.

 

"I'll just slip into something more comfortable," she says with a smile that raises my blood pressure. Then she pulls the door closed behind her.

 

I check out the booze selection, which is substantial, but don't have a clue what to do with any of it. I drink beer because I'm boring. I decide to leave the cocktails to her and wander the small kitchen, moving aimlessly because I'm too nervous to stand still.

 

When I find her fresh copy of Aliens in Disguise, I flip it open to the page I just signed. A random thought pops into my over-excited brain: Elain rearranged spells alien. That's funny.

 

"You must be very brave or very foolish," she says as she reemerges from the bedroom, "to risk provoking such a private and dangerous foe."

 

I look up and am shocked to discover her more comfortable outfit is a suit of iridescent foil, the surface of which swirls with an inexplicable kaleidoscope of motion. It covers most of her scaly, green skin.

 

Elain has just given me the surprise of my life. I return the favor with my response.

 

"I swear I meant no disrespect. I'm sorry if I threatened your cover. And… I'm still open to romance if you are."