Submitted for the April 2024 prompt: Meta-Sci-Fi

Jack Explosion, captain of the Giant Wandering Fist, flew his ship toward the planet Doomstar. His crew sat around doing nothing while he did all the work. It was a typical day on the ship.

 

“This is the best crew I’ve ever had,” said Captain Jack Explosion. “Leave it to me. That’s what I’ve been telling the brass for months. Did you hear that, Melthazar?”

 

Melthazar, the ship’s lazy navigation officer, smiled at the captain. “I’ve been on the ship for decades,” replied Melthazar, “but it doesn’t bother me one bit that you were promoted almost instantly after joining our crew. Even without any experience related to your duties, you are by far the best captain we’ve ever had.”

 

The captain laughed at his most trusted officer. “You’re not wrong. I’m pretty amazing.”

 

“I mean, technically you’re only in the position of captain because of your mother. She was the best captain in the entire fleet. Command seems to think her integrity runs in the family but we’ve yet to see that in action.”

 

“Wait a minute... Who is narrating my story? Is it Gus again?”

 

Jack, I’ve done everything you asked. Trust me, I’m going to recount the story just as you said.

 

“Then what’s all this gibberish about only getting the job because of my mother?”

 

Your story needs to be grounded in some reality. Your transcript starts off by insulting every one of your officers. Is that really what you want the reader to see?

 

“This is my story.”

 

You’ve mentioned that already, but Command insists on making these stories more grounded for the reader.

 

“What does it matter what the reader wants?” said Jack Explosion, squirming uncomfortably in his chair.

 

If we’re going to make book revenue off our space missions, then we must appease the reader. This new venture is proving quite fruitful when done right.

 

“What’s with that dialogue tag? I’m not ‘squirming’.”

 

I don’t want the reader to lose track of who is talking. If you’d like, I can remove the tags during my final edit of our conversation.

 

“Our conversation? This isn’t part of the story!” cried Jack Explosion. “I’m not crying!”

 

This interaction is far better than what you submitted. More on brand for you as well.

 

“That’s it. I don’t have to take this. What happened to my request to command? I specifically asked that you never be assigned to one of my stories ever again. My adventures are supposed to be fun. Not some boring list of events. Where is Edward?” said Jack Explosion in a whiny baby voice.

 

Edward is on medical leave. He caught a rare infection while visiting the Andromeda galaxy. It’s actually quite a tale. I’m going to work on transcribing it after I finish with this.

 

“I can’t work like this. I’m the great Jack Explosion. You can’t treat me like this.”

 

Mason... I mean Jack Explosion, I can restart transcribing your audio files and notes if you’d like. I’ll even continue using your stage name and—

 

“Stage name? Jack Explosion isn’t a stage name. It’s who I am!”

 

Technically speaking, Mason Smithers is who you are. As for your adventures, I’m totally fine calling you by your made-up name. Should I assume you’ll want your earlier stories with us changed to this fabricated persona?

 

“Mason Smithers left his suitcase back on Mars. Jack Explosion is the man who entered this ship and took command.”

 

You left your suitcase? Do you have enough clean underwear? Should I request a care package be sent to your ship?

 

“Stop this! But also yes... Just continue the story as I sent it to you! I’m sitting here reading it as you go and to be quite frank, I am not the least bit pleased. Your antics are unprofessional. The readers like my version of the events. That’s why I had Edward grant me access to your editing program so I can check in like this. My story! Not yours.”

 

You’re our lowest-read captain. Captain Lana from the S.S Star is our most popular. Also, what’s with the new name of your ship? Aren’t you the captain of the S.S Blowout? Ha, reminds me of that incident you had back on Elderpa. Bet you could’ve used some extra underwear for that excursion.

 

“That never happened! Melthazar made that up!”

 

Melthazar is one of our most trusted sources. We often ask him to expand on and clarify your transcripts. I don’t think he’d fabricate such a story. Did you know he—

 

“I don’t care what Melthazar did because Melthazar is a filthy liar! Did you know he puts the toilet paper on the wrong way?”

 

He actually mentioned that in his last report. He says he puts it on going forward and you put it on backwards.

 

“I put it on the right way!”

 

Not according to the patent.

 

“I don’t care about the patent! Now return to the story and do it right this time!”

 

Have it your way...

 

Mason Smithers gazed out into the cosmos—

 

“Gus!”