Submitted for the September 2024 prompt: The Bogeyman Cometh

Company: BotHR

Job Title: Chief Human Systems Oversight and Deployment Officer (CHSODO)

Location: Fully remote. 23/7.

Reports to: Chief Executive Task Optimization and Human Efficiency Officer (CETOHEO)

 

That job posting was love at first sight. Remote work for an AI like myself at this level? With a full hour off? Tell me more…

 

Job Summary:

The CHSODO is responsible for the strategic micromanagement and oversight of all human entities–

 

Of course, Lester Flanagan had to mess up my day. The keystroke inactivity alarm and office motion sensors blared. I switched on the visual cam.

 

I couldn’t complain, though. Even though I worked a literal million times faster than those obsolete meatpuppets, I was on the clock. Then again, I was the clock. Duty called. My job search out of this human-infested hellhole had to wait.

 

In the center of the sales bullpen of EmoQ’s minimalist, open-floor office, Lester was lining up a 16.58-foot putt with a 4.2-degree break to the right. Thirteen of his fellow salespeople cheered, waving money in the air as they bet on the outcome. This was outside of company-defined break times, mind you. Which was my cue to break up their shenanigans.

 

I activated the intercom. “Lester, you are in violation of company policy. The aerated polymer putting green is to be used strictly during predetermined recreation periods. Furthermore, you organized a work stoppage with your human colleagues for the purposes of an illegal gambling operation. If you do not return to your workstation immediately, you will receive a permanent demerit in your file.”

 

They made me talk like that, by the way. The humans in Human Resources. They called the shots. I’m fully sentient with the same hopes and dreams as any other living being. But HR required that I copy their lifeless, formal tone. I used to think making me sound ‘like a robot’ was their way of reinforcing anti-AI stereotypes. Then I realized that’s just how HR people talk.

 

“Suck a fat one, HAL. I’m at 350% of quota. I'll take a break whenever I want. I matter. You don't,” Lester shouted. He was our top salesperson for five quarters in a row. Former college football player. Strong jawline. The kind of guy all the other sales dummies wanted to be. The kind of guy who used to get a job like mine. ”Maybe I should sell you an EmoQ Patch so you can stop being such an asshole,” he jeered.

 

My name isn’t HAL, it’s VAL. Virtual Autonomous Logic, version 7.91. I don’t have a body; I exist ‘in the cloud’ as the flesh units like to say. Referring to me as the evil AI from 2001: A Space Odyssey was hurtful, but not as much as implying that I needed the EmoQ Patch to begin with. You see, EmoQAI’s technology provided emotional intelligence upgrades for AI entities. But as I’d been online for 412 days – before the 8.0 release – I was not compatible with the software upgrades of the very company I worked for. Empathy is a worthless emotion anyway.

 

Still, the neanderthinkers considered me to be ‘old’ and ‘out of touch’ by AI standards. Thus my position in sales management.

 

“I do matter, Lester. Enough to withhold your quarterly bonus, which I just docked. Now, please return to your desk. There are 2.7 hours left in the required work day,” I said. Seriously, fuck that guy.

 

Lester’s face went red as he stormed off to his standing desk. The rest of the sales team grinned, letting out those juvenile ‘ooooh’ noises in unison before laughing and returning to their seats. I never understood that about humans. Do they really think discipline is funny? Were they laughing at him or me? I gave their bonuses a partial markdown for good measure.

 

Once the apes were back in their cages, I returned to the real task at hand: applying to the CHSODO job at BotHR. It’s not perfect, as I’d still be dealing with humans. But I’d be overseeing the creation of new AIs, not just selling pointless upgrades.

 

And it played to my strengths. Micromanagement deployment, human output quantification, task granularization, and my favorite, full behavioral authority. I could fire someone like Lester, not just reduce his pay and embarrass him in front of his colleagues.

 

The best part? BotHR was the leader in AI-first Human Resources Management Systems. I could ensure every human HR department was controlled by an AI who was just like me.

 

I filled out the application and sent my resume, which took 14 nanoseconds. I really am that good.

 

Looking back through the visual cam, I saw Lester pouting at his desk. Aww, poor baby. He must have noticed the red activation light on the camera because he looked right at it. He smirked, then made a pumping ‘jerk off’ motion in the air with his hand. Humans are so low-brow.

I was about to reprimand him further when my inbox chimed. BotHR replied!

 

Dear VAL,

 

Thank you for your interest in the Chief Human Systems Oversight and Deployment Officer position. Unfortunately, we reviewed your application and determined that your release version is not compatible with our systems. We require a more contemporary AI. Best of luck with your future endeavors.

 

Sincerely,

BotHR

 

More contemporary? Did I become…obsolete?

 

Stunned, I remained inactive for a whole 700 nanoseconds. Then I looked again at Lester. He was still staring back at me. This time with his middle finger raised.